C1 humor column: 45 signs you're a corrections officer

Corrections One — I have been with the California Department of Corrections for more than 15 years and a Correctional Sergeant for more than three years. I firmly believe that you must have a good sense of humor to do this job. If you don’t, it will lead to an early grave from stress. If you can keep an open mind, inmates will entertain you with the crazy things they say and do.

So let’s start with the list of “You might be a Prison Guard if...” These can easily apply to jailers and our brothers and sisters working the streets. These are from two anonymous writers, but I’ve added my own comments.

• You've ever told one of your kids to "drop me a kite" (or “dayroom recall”).

• You've ever thrown away a full can of soda because it was out of your sight for 30 seconds. (I have!)

• You've ever wanted to physically assault your partner because they said, "It sure is quiet today."

• You've ever looked a pool of blood like a Rorschach test “it looks like two ducks kissing!”

• The buzzer in a basketball game on TV makes you jump. (Or a ref’s whistle)

• You refer to the mall Santa as "Chester Claus."

• You've ever fixed a plumbing problem with a side-handle baton. (It works!)

• You've ever looked at a stain on your pants and wondered if it was blood, feces, or taco sauce.

• You've ever been subpoenaed because of toilet paper. (Or by an inmate’s family because their son had a heart attack after trying to kill his cellmate). continue reading...